Perfection

Nope, I do NOT know what that word means. As a stay-at-home mom, church ministry leader, Bible study leader, wife, cook, party planner, friend, volunteer chapel coordinator, member care rep trainee, mission trip chaperone, and husband's cheerleader my plate is overflowingly far from perfect. But I did have an encounter with the Holy Spirit recently that lead me to these thoughts.

When I strive for perfection, I actually end up becoming the exact opposite, missing the mark completely and worse for the wear. 

See, I was asking for God to forgive me this morning for losing my cool with my son. I've been studying about good, Biblical discipline and training our children well in a moms' Bible study called "Entrusted with a Child's Heart" and trying hard to apply in to my days. What I've realized is that there is a window of time that is Isaac's "connection" time; the time he feels loved because we are together and not distracted. When I give Iz my first moments of the day, he is filled, his love tank sotospeak is filled. If I give him my first moments, he is independent for a better majority of our morning because I already spent my quality time with him. Every day that looks different, be it sitting to eat breakfast together or "washing" dishes together or playing cars on the rug together. 

But today I didn't do that. I skipped right to tasks, getting clothes out for a party, making a snack to take, trying to salvage cupcakes for something else...busy busy busy. I didn't stop to give him my time. Why not? Because, in a sense, I was striving to be perfect. I was really trying to do too much and be the mom that CAN handle it. (But I have't met her yet...) But even with my perfect hair and my cute pics on fFB, Isaacs clothes didn't fit and I forgot to pack the diaper bag, I left the cupcakes still to be salvaged later and all the while time ticking away to make us later and later.

And ya know what? Isaac started begging for MORE of my attention. The busier I got, the more he wanted to just sit on me. (literally.) The more I wanted to move, the more he wanted to stop. We ended up frustrating each other and I was in a bad mood when we left. I was using a harsh voice and getting angry with Isaac ....but really I was just mad at me. I already knew I had messed up today and it was only 9am.

I was mad that I couldn't be perfect and get it all done (or say no to something) AND get out the door on time like super moms "should" be able to do.

As I was driving, I prayed about it, and God revealed this to me. I was missing my mark. To be "perfect" in Christ would be (in this situation) applying what I learn in moms group to my actual daily life and the hard parts in it. The be "perfect" would've been to sit down with Isaac when I knew he needed it, not even worrying about the list of things I needed to do. To be "perfect" would've been to discipline the first time he showed defiance instead of turning away and pretending I didn't notice because taking him to the other room to sit down and explain it all (for the 8th time this morning) would have been an inconvenience for me. To be "perfect" would've been to realize I was doing this earlier, apologize to my son, and give him my time no matter how late I was going to be. To be "perfect" would've been to devote my whole time and energy to the moments I've been given with Isaac, not to the millions of other things I was trying to salvage. 

I can say this with confidence that these things would have been perfect, because this is the job God has given me. He gave me the blessing and reward of being Isaac's mom. And so quickly have I forgotten how to be good at that job. To give my self to that calling.

I wasn't striving for Christ's perfection, I was striving for my own glory. And that's why I missed the mark.